Forward, backward

And it is a never ending game. 2 steps in the wrong direction and we’re sitting there wondering who it is that’s to blame. No one want’s lies but who could really handle the truth..so that’s 2 more step we made us take away from me and you. Then there’s the tension we know we feel but words are sometimes difficultly passing here, so then there is space because i’m too nerveous to know that what ever it was may no longer show. Tension unspoken and words afraid to be said because no one is completely confident when we both want to win, there is the game, the method the play…the eventual move that has to be made. I will not make it because i am the girl, i am the one who wants to be promised you not the world. What i didn’t notice was that you were the boy, the boy who let me play with all of his toys and showed his world and that boys only do that for so many girls.
So i take 9 steps backward and to the left because now i’m regretting how much i stressed, how much i let the playground whispers stick in my ears and how i let those boys and girl bring to life all my fears. So now i’m standing nearly outside the fence, watching you play and twisting my painted fingers in my spotted brown dress…i can see that you see me and i understand sometimes that we were good friends and had alot of good times…i never knew why it was as hard as it became but i now do know that both you and I are to blame.

Recently now that we don’t play our game i’ve been allowed back inside and feel like i could remain…yet i’m unsure and cautious now because i know what it feels like to be kicked out. I hope that the game does truely end, no more dares of courage that come to meanless ends..just simple walk and swing on the swings so that little friends could become growup beings.

To the future i hope we share, to the friend i want to be to you and to the love have for you even if your not with me. Because i can’t look at you and not feel it.

To time and wishes because we all need them to survive.

Enough of Love.

I have a boy who is interested in me, think mild mere obsession almost. If i had met this boy before the before boy i would most likely have jumped at the chance to be with him...he tells me I'm beautiful when i feel extremely unattractive, laughs at my jokes, thinks my stupid squeaky laugh is adorable and he always wants to be around me...oh did i mention he wants to be in a relationship. A guy who blatantly wants to be in a committed relationship with a girl and constantly hints to it. This boy opens doors for me and loves my psychotic family even though he has yet to endure them, talks about his future and mine like they are linked already....everything i ever wanted in a man is inside this boy, inside this man. There is a catch though, i can't get my self to want him like he wants me and i don't understand that. How could it be so difficult to want to be with some one who wants every part of you, even the parts of you that you don't like?  I suppose the answer is as simple as it is complicated...the heart wants what the heart wants, and the heart always knows best.
I am nineteen years old, or young depending on how you look at it...how could it all be so complicated?
Recently I've thought that i should force myself to be in a relationship with this boy, to just jump in and learn how to like him that way and eventually to love him but i have doubts about the possible success of that scenario. I've thought that with the greatness of his possibility i would be a fool to not long to be with this boy...so i wonder is enough of love ever enough? The movie Jane Eyre has this exact question posed...is it enough to have emotion, to grow to feel for someone that you know could be good for you, some one who will treat you right and love you far more than you could ever love them...my mother always told me to marry a man who loved me more than i loved him because then i would always be happy in my relationship, that being the one who was wildly desired was the best situation for a young woman...enough of love.
I grew up on Disney movies, love songs and fictional romances...magic carpet rides, songs of love, battles being fought over the love of a woman, romances that not even the greatest evil nor the strongest power could crush...i grew up on dreams and find myself an adult woman with a body of imagination and no place for it in my world. He could be an Aladdin, Prince Eric, Peter Pan...all the cheese that could be possible. Yet my princess is content in her ivory tower dreaming, she's fine with life in the sea, and she surely is okay with her real world rather then Peters NeverNeverLand....because she is dreaming of the boy she met in the market, the merman who she swam about with in the deep sea, the young man she saw across a crowded room in a perfectly normal place...I'm sure by now you understand where I'm going with this.
I found my magic in an ordinary boy in an ordinary place in a regular world as an average girl by accident...i found my greatest magic, i found my prince in the market place and i was happy to live on the streets if i could be living there with him.
I know eventually i will get over my first love even though it doesn't feel that way, even if i feel pathetic and foolish and yes, like a desperate little girl holding onto the apron strings, desperately grasping the thing she knows and wants completely but the strings aren't there anymore, she has to move on and hold onto her other hand to keep the balance that was once simple....
In this moment i want what i had, i want the possibility of what it could have evolved into...i want to be held by him and hold him right back, i want to hear the rumbling of his breath beneath the ear of mine that lies on his chest and more than anything i want him to want it all too...that was always my weakness, not knowing what he wanted. I also want to have my freedom and my free will and i want to not want someone who doesn't want me back...and it is the most impossible feeling to understand. Wanting without reservation the love and desire of another human being yet wanting to not want it so badly....it's enough to consume and devour, light and extinguish, expose and hide....enough to make you go mad which is what I'm hoping to prevent.
Closure is something under rated, i know i need mine but my fear of finality prevents me...and my fear that with out him i will only ever have the possibility of  Enough of Love.

Welcome to Wonderland.

My blog has just been basically put together and the entire time i was listening to Adele shout about finding "someone like you..", but let's be realistic, there is no one like the person she is singing about...because if we are being honest there never really is. In my entire life i have had one real reltaionship though it was drastically flawed and not entirely fullfilling i'd have to say that when i listen to that song, which i do quite frequently, i think of him, his name was Kevin, is Kevin(just because he is not 'my Kevin' any more dosen't mean he no longer exists) and Adele knows........
Love is of conesquence i think.....imagine the conversation is fate by choice or chance?? I ask the question a few times every day...am i here sitting in the fridgid whisper of winter living room with my toes curled beneath my legs so they do not freeze like my nose is...is it by the choices i have made that i am not laying in the bed of the man i am in love with or is it chance that at a certin moment in time it was decided without regard to what anyone wanted by some universal power 'casting dice' in the words of ABBA, could life be so easily and so difficultly decided at the same time. Because i would have to say that some where some how a decision is made and the one who chooses, the one thing that casts each die really is pissing me off at of the current.

My blog will consist of everything i could think, say, smell and feel...everything that has the potential to be anything. Hopefully some can read me, hopefully someone can relate and we can all survive together. I am starting as a relationship blog as you can all see, and in that picture is us. A picture that can make me cry in an instant.

“I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days - three such days with you I could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain.”
― John Keats, Bright Star: Love Letters and Poems of John Keats to Fanny Brawne